The healing process after a scam | Forum

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Joan03 May 25 '16
Hi everyone!

I found very little information on how you could get back to your normal life after you realized you had been scammed. I am interested in the process how you managed to cope with it
Marisa May 25 '16
Have you checked Romancescam? There is a huge discussion about the healing process:


billyHill Moderator
billyHill May 25 '16
good question Joan, and good answer Marisa.

I only read the first post at the RS, but it does contain the info I was looking for. Everyone will go through these stages to varying degrees before they can overcome any obstacle in life ( IMHO anyhow). The stages are:

1. Denial: Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me!"

2. Anger: Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "How can this happen, I hate this world!" (Or I hate my scammer, or I hate the person who informed me, or I hate all scammers-Africans-Russians-liars, etc.)

3. Bargaining (Or rationalizing): Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years." I will give my life savings if..." (Or, "Maybe if he confesses and asks my forgiveness, or maybe if he really loves only me, or maybe if he's not too bad looking or too young for me, or maybe he was forced to do what he did because of hardship . . .)

4. Depression: Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?" (Or, I'm really an idiot, stupid, dumb, etc. Certainly not worth anything to a real lover.)

5. Acceptance: Example - "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it." (I'm not going to let this happen to anyone else.)

While I might change a word or two here and there, it is a direct copy/paste from the first post.

I also don't want to make it seem like a simple math ( or science) problem in school that you look at, ingest, then realize the formula and are ready for the test on the subject matter the next day. It is a HELL of a lot harder to do when you are the person doing the work than it is to read it on paper.

since we are all human, and all different to varying degrees it may take someone a week or month to heal, others may take years or never. It is a truth only each person can realize for themselves.

The biggest hump for me to get over was the fact that I was had been had..... I had to realize first that I had been a victim of someone else's crime before any of the rest of it would fall into place. And honestly I am not a good victim at all. It took me months, possibly longer to go from realizing I was scammed, to realizing (and now hating) the romance scammers are the scum of the earth.

I can suggest to you Joan, that whatever you did before you were scammed do it again. Go back to your "normal" life. put one foot in front of the other and walk. Hopefully you are wiser now. One day after a lot of footsteps you will realize you are far away from the scammer you were hurt by. And I think another truth is that romance scammers in particular rob your emotions more than your money. Maybe I can say that better if i say it hurts less to have the money taken than it does the emotions..... at least for me and a lot of folks I know who now are in the anti-fraud industry.
spectrumAU Moderator
spectrumAU May 25 '16
As in any emotional conflict... time.

AND, forgive yourself.

The humiliation comes from realising you fell for someone's bluff.  I remember that well.  Once you forgive yourself for making that mistake then you're emotionally on the mend.

Marisa May 25 '16
there are tons of insightful info in that topic, people are sharing their ways to cope with pain, the lessons they learnt, etc... Read it when you have a minute, but I also would like to quote Pinky from there,:

"There is life after this. Maybe the only lesson to be learned here is that money doesn't matter. Life goes on. You still can love and be loved. You didn't lose your character and integrity, which is priceless.
What I have learned is that being single is hardly a fate worse than death. Take some time ladies, to do things for yourself. Soak in scented bubble baths, reading a book by candlelight surrounding your tub. Get your hair or nails done. Oooooooooo a pedicure works for me. Eat chocolate. Buy yourself fresh flowers. Go see a beautiful sight of nature somewhere nearby. Pretend you're a tourist. Shop a great sale and buy some utterly useless, inexpensive trinket. Get a puppy or kitten. Visit someone whose company you enjoy. Wear your favorite outfit that you look best in. Eat off the good china. Cook yourself full course meal. Take naps. Sunbathe. Meditate. Take a mental inventory of the things you are grateful for. Do something for YOU only."

Joan03 May 31 '16
Thank you for your answers, I deliberately waited some time to write here again because if something is too fresh you see it in a different way. I think, you are all right. The best way is to find a purpose for each day, to find some pleasure, and to try to go back to normal life. Maybe to have a cup of coffee with some friends, to go swimming, enjoy the sunshine, walking, or taking up a new hobby, whatever... For me one of the hardest parts was to cope with how much I opened up to a criminal and also the wounds my self-esteem got... However, I strongly believe it's not always naivety to trust... I am sure nothing happens to us by chance and probably later, from the distance we can understand it more clearly. We are here to learn, even from such a painful experience.
deli326 Jun 1 '16
Yes we do learn from this , but painfully. I found it very hard to trust again. I can't seem to go back on dating websites again after being scammed. To make matters worse my ex boyfriend turned out to be a sh-t. It made me lose my trust in all men.
I too have trust issues,by the time I start to trust someone they try to pull a scam. Hope to get over this soon it's been a long time and I have to let go, maybe if I spend more time here I can believe in something again. Even if it's only a friend I make that would be great


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